"Lost in the Supermarket"

It seems that when Connor and I make a trip to the grocery store I rarely make it out the door with the list I brought with me.

Why? Because I am the proud owner of an almost-two-year-old boy who demands to hold the list but often loses interest and casually drops it when I'm deciding whether Stacey will let me get away with buying non-name brand sour cream.

(The answer is no, by the way. Don't even try it. She swears that she can tell the difference 'tween the knockoffs and the real thing. I think we're gonna have to conduct a "Pepsi Challenge" with different brands of sour cream to see if she's lying.)

I've lost lists in the bread aisle, the checkout lane and even the parking lot. On my bedside table, at this very moment, is a grocery list from about two months ago. I'm not sure why I haven't thrown it away yet, but it's probably because I'm proud that I actually made it out of the store with the list still in hand. (That reminds me, I need to throw that damn thing away, stat!)

Yesterday, though, I had a stroke of genius — well, for a guy with more fingers than brain cells it counts as genius. Since I almost always lose my list somewhere in the store, I decided to get a bit more creative with an otherwise dull list of sundry items.

For example, yesterday's list had the usual suspects such as diapers, soy milk and cereal, but mixed in with the mundane was a special reminder to pick up "anal itch cream." No, I don't have an itchy butt — well, no more than usual; I thought I'd add a tad of spice to the day of the nosy person kind enough to pick up my discarded list (of course we lost it!) and read it.

Maybe next time we'll add "a knife that will cut human bone," to the list, or maybe "a disguise for slipping through customs."

Runners-up include: "dog condoms," "enough bullets to do the trick," "20 packages of Sudafed for...you know," "a Josh Groban CD," "Batman bedsheets for my nephew I SWEAR!," and finally, "enough Rohypnol for Friday night."

Boy, there's nothing like a nerd with too much time on his hands.