"It's Like That"

Surely I'm not the first person to notice it, but dealing with kids is remarkably like playing chess. Even though I don't technically know how to play, I've glossed over the rules, seen enough games played, and even written a story or two on chess (WOW! A STORY ABOUT CHESS?!? HOW COOL!!) to know the basic ins-n-outs of the game that you can't be senior citizen without knowing — it's, like, a law or something.

So you want to get a child to do something, huh? Be prepared for acceptable losses (such as a low stress level), and be prepared to think several moves ahead of your opponent. ("I know you're thinking about locking yourself in the bathroom and flushing my wallet down the toilet, but how about we go play outside instead, okay?") Although your enemy might not look all that menacing at first glance, he or she posesses a ferocity not to be taken lightly.

Also, just like in chess, once you remove your hand from the "piece," you officially conclude your move and relinquish your right to continue to ponder any current moves during this turn of play. For example, when changing Connor's diaper, I have to keep at least one finger on his body at all times or he assumes we're done and scrambles for the door. And you thought catching a greased pig was messy? You try to coral a bolting brown-bottomed baby boy who seems to think that having his butt cleaned is some form of ritualistic torture.

You think you know, but you have no idea. Sure, you've spent years and years trying to master the game, but every time you "play," there's a new strategy thrown into the mix. So, even though last time you may have won the battle utilizing reverse psychology ("Don't you eat those carrots!") or bribes ("If you'll PLEASE let me put some pants on you, we'll watch Barney, okay?) each subsequent encounter will require a completely new gameplan. Learn to adapt to your surroundings and you'll do okay.

Just don't, under any circumstances, allow your opponent to lull you into a false sense of security with good behavior. Underneath that happy, smiling exterior is a seething caldron of rage just aching to take you down. Consider yourself warned.