"The Final Countdown"

On one particularly steamy Sunday this past summer,, like most Sunday mornings, I was hanging out at the skatepark with my friend Tony and kicking it in the heat when one of the older dudes (yes, older than me) struck up a conversation with us due to Tony’s non-sarcastic and titillatingly rad AC/DC Heat Seeker Tour T-shirt.

Him: -in a Southern drawl thicker than the sexual innuendo at a Prince concert- “Man, that’s a great shirt!”

Tony: “Absolutely!”

Him: “Man, I got a friend who thinks Angus Young is the greatest guitar player in the world. Man, he’s great and all, but I’d put him up against the guitar player from White Lion any day!”

Me: “You mean Vito Bratta?”

Him: “Yeah, man, that’s his name.”

Tony: -looking at me, justifiably, like the biggest dope on the planet- “HOW do you know his name?!”

I have no excuse. I was never a big White Lion fan, but I know lots of dumb stuff. I suppose the retention of useless facts is the mark of an editor—well, that and the attraction to tedious, exacting work and a tendency to be self-righteous about the proper usage of the serial comma. With this imaginary guitar duel in mind, and given that I no longer self-impose myself to write only about childcare-related topics (especially since wife and child are out of town for a week), I will now bore you with my list of the five greatest guitar players of all time. It’s long; it’s boring; it’s self-serving; it rules!


5. Peter Moses — Into Another
Trained primarily as a classical player, Moses changed direction completely when he joined Into Another—a post-hardcore art rock band of sorts that was absurdly out of place and time in New York's mid-90s punk scene. His deft playing style oozed soul while his sound was abrasive. To this day, I have no idea how his frail-looking hands were able to coax such an enormous sound out of his instrument. Also, he’s now either a hermit or dead. Nobody seems to know where this guy is. First one to find him and start a band wins!


4. Omar Rodriguez-Lopez — The Mars Volta & Solo
With more soul than a Latin kid from El Paso should legally be allowed to posses, Rodriguez-Lopez is the modern day equivalent of Jimi Hendrix, John Zorn and Carlos Santana, all rolled into one, with a dose of Larry Harlow’s salsa music for good measure. I can’t even comprehend half of the stuff this guy comes up with, let alone play it myself. I saw him play live last year and my jaw is still sore from being on the floor for the entire hour's set.

3. Chris Haskett — Rollins Band
I remember reading a story about Chris Haskett in Guitar World probably 16 years ago where he expressed genuine surprise that the interviewer wasn’t actually trying to write a story about Henry Rollins, the band’s larger-than-life frontman. Such has long been the case for this ridiculously underappreciated guitar player who brings jazz fusion, rock and noise together in an earth-shaking combination of bombastic riffs that were about a decade ahead of Tom Morello and ten times better anyway. When Rollins dumped Haskett and the rest of the Rollins Band in favor of a new backing group a few years ago, the albums were barely listenable; it was hardly a coincidence.


2. Dr. Know — Bad Brains
Probably the first real guitar hero I ever worshipped—and got to meet when a former band of mine was opening for Bad Brains—Dr. Know’s approach first introduced me to the concepts of less is more and more is more. Combining the traditional power chord structure of punk and hardcore with more jazz-influenced improvisational flourishes, Dr. Know turned me on to an entirely new style of playing where chords were completely optional. Their last album may have been mediocre at best, but his playing was a blazing as ever.



1. Stevie Ray Vaughan
SRV is the top of the food chain, be-all end-all of guitar players in my mind. His style, though cribbed heavily from Albert King, primarily, has been jacked more often than the petty cash fund at work that you know you’re not supposed to touch. But all the imitators in the world—I'm looking squarely at you, John Mayer—can't touch the original.

Bow down.



Honorable Mentions—slight disrespect intended: Tommy Accüsed, Brian Knudson, Al DiMeola, Robert Fripp, Dimebag Darrell (I’m not kidding), Vic DiCara, “Mahavishnu” “John McLaughlin


You’re welcome. Now go listen to something new.