"Fast As You Can"

This morning marked an occasion I'd been planning for several weeks — months, even. As I slept last night — while dreaming about hanging out with Drew Lachey, Rebecca Romjin and the Wu-Tang Clan — there waited 60 ounces of a lemon-based concoction in the refrigerator that was to be the the only thing I consumed during the next several days, except maybe for some unintentionally-swallowed toothpaste.

I was prepared to undergo the very first fast of my life.

Known commonly as the Lemonade Diet (pdf), this is not designed as a weight loss plan. Rather, it's a cleanse, that's supposed to help de-toxify your system.

Why, on earth, would I consider this? For several reasons, actually.

1. I know several people that have tried this already. Since they did it, and I want desperately to be cool in the eyes of my peers, I'mma do it too!

2. I'm curious to see how long I can go without food. My current record is 45 minutes — not counting sleep time or hunger-induced comas.

3. I'm interested in the effects of food deprivation on the body. I've been told that the effect of a fast can yield a feeling of enlightenment, enhanced clarity and a bigger penis (just kidding...maybe). I've also been told it's stupid. But, if it's good enough for Dikembe Mutombo, it's good enough for me.

4. “Approximately 790 million people in the developing world are still chronically undernourished." I don't think that missing a few meals will hurt me too much.

5. Most importantly — to me, at least: I'm trying to get a handle on some food issues — namely portion control. Now that I have a son, I have realized the importance of passing on healthy attitudes about food. Simply being a vegetarian doesn't ensure this, especially since some of the biggest gluttons I know are strict vegans. The fact is, we are so out of whack with the amount of food that we need to survive, it's of crucial importance that we reconnect with our bodies. Besides, I'm tired of buying clothes that are tailored for our population's ever-expanding waistlines. A "large" is no longer a large. It's now a small tent with sleeves.


This morning I woke up excited to begin my fast. After anxiously sipping the brew that was to be my sustenance, I quickly realized that I had somehow screwed up the recipe. It was acidic, it was nasty and there was no way I could survive on it, much less stomach it. With no lemons left over to squeeze, and a serious jonesing for some cereal and soymilk, I quit.

My fast lasted all of five minutes.

(I am going to try again next week, though.)